Learning

So I think it is so funny that now that I dont claim to post anything at all, I post all the time now…oh well I guess the pressure of everyone seeing this is off since I don’t publicize my posts on facebook anymore. Anyway, I  feel like God it teaching me so many things about life and people, and teaching me so many things about myself.

I will admit that life is going in a way that I would have planned, but now even though it is hard so much of the time God’s teaching has become so apparent to me. Maybe this is a time is sort of like  a rest from leadership, constant intentionality, busyness, and a time to focus on the foundation God is trying to build. I was talking to one of my mentors/brothers the other day and he was telling me all the things he had learned throughout his ministry to others. And then today in church we were reading passages out of corinthians talking about learning from our forefathers mistakes. In service and small group today we were talking about being in the wilderness, and what it feels like to be there. If anyone knows me really well they know my life has been consumed with being pushed into the wilderness(valley), but me running from it. Pretending to be ok when I am not, trying to smile to hold back the tears of my broken heart. And then having friends(whom i consider family) break down those walls and force me into the wilderness and walk through the dangerous journey with me.
I have friends who have sat with me while I just wept. Friends that even though I told them it was ok to leave my side refused because they knew I was lying. Friends that called me out and challenged me to be better, to deal with things in my life. I have also been able to do those things in other people lives. But along the way I have gotten feelings of being overwhelmed because so many people had things to talk about and wanted to go deep, and though I am eternally honored to have been able to listen to people’s stories and be a small part of their  redemption, it had become hard to just sit and be ministered to myself. I did not take enough time to be a part of something and not let my leadership tendancy take over.

I realized this Sunday that after singing and helping lead worship at my home church, it felt so good to go and to be a part of a worship service somewhere else. To feel like someone is breathing life into me, and to go to a small group where I don’t lead anything, I am just part of the group. And this feeling is new! I have never just decided to live life with people I have never known before, but it is so good. I am still moving slow and sharing parts of my story as I feel led too, but being in a group and not feeling the need to try to move forward with people, to bring out deep issues with people has been so amazing. My role is to be part of the group and sometimes that is what we all need to take time to just be a part of the group, still offering realness and truth but allowing one your brothers to lead for a while and allow yourself time to be ministered too. Please don’t misunderstand me I feel called to people and building relationships, but I am learning don’t let your God given gift become a weakness because you lean on it. Take time for yourself, be in the word, be in prayer, and be a part of a community. If you are in a leadership role make sure you have a community where you are just you without a title, rank, and mask up. Take time to be a part of some not the leader of something. Anyway thanks for reading my thoughts! I am learning and am hoping that in the future when I screw up and forget the lessons I have learned this will be a place to come and relearn. Take care!!