One comment at work today had me contemplating our human condition. A lady from work was wondering if I was doing anything for Valentine’s Day because she wanted to see who would be available in case she wanted to switch. I said I didn’t know my plans and she responded by saying,” You need to find you a serious girlfriend, it is not good to be alone” In that moment she revealed so much about her soul, and to be honest she unveiled so much of the longing in mine. I began to think about what she had said and why it struck a chord with me. I then begin to realize God created us and intended us to be lovers, even before sin touched our souls he created us for community, he created to love and to be loved. Adam longed for a companion before the word sin meant anything to him.
I then began to think about how much we long to be connected to someone else. Seeing faces everyday who fill their lives with all different types of escapism. Each type is used to escape from the loneliness, escape from relationships that should fulfill us but fall short. To hear how people have given their heart to another person in marriage and how that heart had been broken, breaks my heart. Hearing how people cling to relationships because they fear that no one else will come along who will love them better, makes me a little more jaded to be honest. I do long for a wife and meaningful relationships but seeing how things can end up makes me want to close myself off to those things. I don’t want to be in love one day, and then one day wonder how did we get here?
I am learning more about myself everyday and learning that is ok to desire, because God created me to desire and though people fall short in every relationship( myself included), I still need connection with people and shutting my heart from the world ( which is my natural inclination) won’t ease my longing. Allowing God to reach me and learning how to be his is the only way I can attain some of the desires I have in my soul. So yeah that was a really deep thought from a moment but hey I believe God move in the quiet of our lives.
I went to the barbershop the other day and I had never been there before so I decided to try it out. It was in a bad part of town but I figured I would give it a try, thinking maybe I could throw money someone’s way that really needed it. So as I sat down in this rickety old barbershop, with drawings on the wall of what the front window would look like if there was money for that. The only heat was provided by a small space heater in a corner. As I sit down I was uneasy because I am not the biggest fan of barbershop talk, and every barbershop is different. Sometimes they have really good conversations and others are filled with inappropriate talk and competitions to outdo others stories.
Well, once the conversation starts it seems ok, just talking about the weather. But it quickly migrates to child support. The owner and only barber was talking about how he has to work so much to pay child support, and so that his baby mamas won’t take him to court. I knew at that point that I wouldn’t be back because there was no talk about actually being a father to his children, just about keeping him out of jail again.
Soon that conversation was over and some kids entered the barbershop, along with an older gentleman. Soon the older guy began to talk about how he loves to drink and how he is ready to get his “drink on”, and how people who are trying to do better for themselves a uppity. He then began talking about inappropriate subjects in front of the children. And to honest I would have said something then, but realizing I was in the ghetto and most of them having been in prison at least once I kept my mouth shut. Soon my haircut was over and as I was leaving, the older guy stepped to me and asked, ” Can I borrow 5 dollars?” Really!!?? I swiftly told him that I had money just none for him and left.
I tell you all of this to get to my point, the children. I wanted to speak to everyone of those children, but not just to the minds but to their hearts and say:
This does not have to be you in twenty, thirty years. These men had bigger dreams than this, but life got in the way and they didn’t have much guidance in front of them. You can be better than this. Not in the fact that you are better than anyone but you can get out of this cycle. Sure it will be hard, not gonna lie it is gonna be incredibly hard. But, it will be worth it. Don’t let the image of a man that you have seen be your guide. I know it is hard not having a father there, and wanting someone to step in. You can be that for you family. Lastly, earthly fathers will fail you, I pray you will encounter the heavenly father who loves you perfectly in this imperfect world.
Once again I am encountered with how people live and how they cope in this imperfect world, that is a result of our own selfishness. Even though I am not where I want to be in life I think I am right where God wants me, bc I am seeing and learning things I never knew, or always knew and have never seen. More God lessons later.
Wow! this year is almost over and I have been thinking of how much my life has changed in the course of the year. Now time for a little recap:
- I entered my last semester for college. One that I honestly wasn’t excited to start bc it meant it was the beginning of the end of some friendships and the beginning of restructuring friendships.
- I had my Senior Recital!!!! Which was the most attended recital ever!!!! Was very honored that so many people attended my big night. And a big huge thanks to all the people who helped with my reception. You are all truly family
- Probably the most important things was that I begin to really enter my own brokenness. I begin to allow God to break me of hurts and pains so they could begin to heal correctly. I went through many dark days and nights. Letting God enter in, and I mean truly enter in is incredibly hard, but necessary to grow closer to him. I am still on that journey so I won’t say I am heal. but I will say I am healing
- Graduated College!!! One of the most bittersweet days I experienced. I was so proud to walk across the stage, but at the same time I had to say goodbye to friends that had become family(truly brothers and sisters) and that was very hard to do.
- Traveled to ministry team with the most awesome team ever and got to meet some the most awesome teens ever. God moved and he chose me to share some pivotal moments in people’s lives.
- Moved back home…..not a best moment in my journey, whether you love your parents or hate them, moving home is terribly hard to do. Moving home proved to be a really humbling experience as i realized that my dreams were a lot farther than I realized
- Working world…After many interviews and many more Nos i got a job. I work in customer service for FujiFilm and even though I never anticipated this career move I am learning a lot that will help me in future endeavors. God is moving and teaching me things continually and things will move forward in His time
- Moving out!! I am renting out a room and bathroom for someone from my home church!! Rent is only $75 a month!! I get to put some money away and hopefully in 2010 you will see a post with me in a new car!!!
- What shall 2010 hold, No clue but I will keep moving toward Christ as he leads and hope I can take the leap when he calls me too
To all I hope you have learn and grown this year. I am thankful for you all and I hope your learned so much about life w/ Jesus this year.
So I think it is so funny that now that I dont claim to post anything at all, I post all the time now…oh well I guess the pressure of everyone seeing this is off since I don’t publicize my posts on facebook anymore. Anyway, I feel like God it teaching me so many things about life and people, and teaching me so many things about myself.
I will admit that life is going in a way that I would have planned, but now even though it is hard so much of the time God’s teaching has become so apparent to me. Maybe this is a time is sort of like a rest from leadership, constant intentionality, busyness, and a time to focus on the foundation God is trying to build. I was talking to one of my mentors/brothers the other day and he was telling me all the things he had learned throughout his ministry to others. And then today in church we were reading passages out of corinthians talking about learning from our forefathers mistakes. In service and small group today we were talking about being in the wilderness, and what it feels like to be there. If anyone knows me really well they know my life has been consumed with being pushed into the wilderness(valley), but me running from it. Pretending to be ok when I am not, trying to smile to hold back the tears of my broken heart. And then having friends(whom i consider family) break down those walls and force me into the wilderness and walk through the dangerous journey with me.
I have friends who have sat with me while I just wept. Friends that even though I told them it was ok to leave my side refused because they knew I was lying. Friends that called me out and challenged me to be better, to deal with things in my life. I have also been able to do those things in other people lives. But along the way I have gotten feelings of being overwhelmed because so many people had things to talk about and wanted to go deep, and though I am eternally honored to have been able to listen to people’s stories and be a small part of their redemption, it had become hard to just sit and be ministered to myself. I did not take enough time to be a part of something and not let my leadership tendancy take over.
I realized this Sunday that after singing and helping lead worship at my home church, it felt so good to go and to be a part of a worship service somewhere else. To feel like someone is breathing life into me, and to go to a small group where I don’t lead anything, I am just part of the group. And this feeling is new! I have never just decided to live life with people I have never known before, but it is so good. I am still moving slow and sharing parts of my story as I feel led too, but being in a group and not feeling the need to try to move forward with people, to bring out deep issues with people has been so amazing. My role is to be part of the group and sometimes that is what we all need to take time to just be a part of the group, still offering realness and truth but allowing one your brothers to lead for a while and allow yourself time to be ministered too. Please don’t misunderstand me I feel called to people and building relationships, but I am learning don’t let your God given gift become a weakness because you lean on it. Take time for yourself, be in the word, be in prayer, and be a part of a community. If you are in a leadership role make sure you have a community where you are just you without a title, rank, and mask up. Take time to be a part of some not the leader of something. Anyway thanks for reading my thoughts! I am learning and am hoping that in the future when I screw up and forget the lessons I have learned this will be a place to come and relearn. Take care!!
When you grow up you have dreams. Dreams of being successful, powerful, you want to be someone who has importance. You want and believe that your life will have meaning and that you make a difference in this world. In college hopefully through the experiences you have, hopefully you gain direction as to how you will impact the world around you. So you juggle through a series of majors in search of a way to be all that God intends, and to be honest all that you intend to be also. But when college is over sometimes life does not move in the way that you dreamed it would. That has been my experience. I feel called to relational ministry and God has confirmed that time and time again, and yet I am working in a customer service job that I feel has nothing to do with my calling. Although I am so grateful for my job, and know that I am blessed to have full time work in this economy, I can understand a little more how the dreams we have can be smashed and how we just feel like we have to just move on and just life as it is. It is easier to accept like as it is and keep a little hope that your dreams will come true, than to go for it all or completely let go of it. I think it ok to be not be ok with your dreams/calling not falling in place,that is how I feel and it is ok to be discouraged, and it ok to mourn and grief life as it was. I miss my friends, going to youth camps, and the family I made while at SWU. I am also learning patience and also that where I am at now is a ministry, titleless but I can be a light to the people around me. I can come along side my co workers and let them vent to me, share their fears, share their frustrations, and share my own with them. We all have stories and we carry them around wanting to share them but too scared to move out of the fear to move into the light. Some days I feel like I have stepped in the past and the last four years have meant nothing if I am still where I don’t want to be, but I have to realize that I am moving forward and I am still searching for Jesus, and in my time of weakness he is strong, and then I realize that is never about being strong it is about dependence on Jesus at all times. Because to be honest how often are we really truly strong? If I am honest with myself I feel weak much more often than I feel that I have any strength in me. Anyways, life is changing seasons and right now it feels like winter, but we don’t stay in one season forever! Thank God(seriously)! If anyone is actually reading this keep me in your prayers as I walk this journey and traveling in uncharted waters. I hope you sense hope, loss, pain,and faith in this post as I have all those feelings in my heart. Take care
So I know I am not a regular blogger, and I won’t tempt you with empty words saying I will blog regularly. When I get the urge to blog I will and if I don’t…well the months between blog posts tell you the rest.
So I am now apart of the working world. I have a job!! I work for FujiFilm Printing Services. I am working in the customer service department and that means if you go to Wal- Mart to pick up pictures and something is wrong with them you get to talk to me!!! Many people ask me if I like my job…and to be honest I have no idea! I have been working for almost a month now, but we are still training and we are not yet up and running. So if you ask me if a like training; it is ok.
I am also back in Greenwood and that was not part of my plans, but God has me here for a reason, and he gave me this job for a reason and he shows me little things everyday. Here is some things i have learned.
- You do not need a title to do ministry- Yes people with titles who are in ministry are good, but I am learning that ministry happens in everyday life. It happens when you let your soul show for a second when you think no one is looking or listening. It happens when you show someone the love of Jesus and the love of community
- Not being content living at home is healthy- i think that wanting to be on your own is healthy. I mean I went through college making my own choices paying my own bills, learning to be independent and wanting to be on your own shows me that I learned, grown,and am ready to fly solo…once i make enough to move out(hopefully when I get hired on permanently I will)
- Keeping up with college friends is hard!!- Having friends in college is so hard to keep updated. Life is going so crazy for them, but life seems to slow down once college is over for you and not for them…it is sad when I feel that I put more into friendships than they do…but then again I remember I was the same way
- Keeping up with friends who are out of college is easier- Yay there is hope!
- Meeting new friends is hard- really really hard but I am learning you have to really seek out people. Hopefully I will get better at it
Anyways, If I feel like it soon there will be a more detailed life update with the lessons I am learning. Peace out!
Ok so I hardly ever blog….we all know this and one thing that I really never do on a blog is state my position on something but I guess I am feeling bold tonight.
After reading all these news stories on Kanye West and watching his interview I just had some opinions that I wanted to share.
Kanye is no worse than any of us. He is a person who is hurting and trying to soothe the pain he carries. And, what does a person who is hurting usually do, they hurt the people around them. They are desperately longing to be seen. To be really seen, and waiting for someone to enter into the pain. After seeing the Leno interview my heart went out to him. He has never gone through the mourning process and therefore he eases his hurt by hurting other people to ease the pain. I am not saying what he did was right(or any of his other incidents), it was wrong (though the right or wrong issue is not the point of this blog post).
But, I want to leave you with these thought….if your every move was being televised, written about, and played for the world to see, how would people view you?
Would you want them to be forgiving, loving, caring, or would you want them to just write you off, call you names, and treat you like an outcast?
Why are we so obsessed with lives of celebrities? Aren’t they just suppose to make good movies, plays , and music? Why has today’s culture made people in the public eye give up their right to have private lives, to make mistakes, to learn, to find grace and redemption. I know I wouldn’t want my sins displayed for the world to see, or have to pretend that I am perfect all the time, because I am not I fall short.
I think it was an eye opening moment in how I should love people. I don’t have to agree with what they do or how they live, but let them know whose love I strive to represent. There are many people out there who are carrying around so many burdens and they lash out. What if the lashing out was just them crying out? I am gonna think about that you should too….goodnight